And...I Miss You...

The toughest moment of my life thus far...telling a guy I truly care about that we cannot be together.

He and I have a lot in common, laugh a lot, are comfortable around each other, and can work out our fights. This seems so good and everything...but theres this one thing...

He is my "Peter Pan." He is not ready to grow up, be responsible, take care of himself...and it was affecting my future...my plans and dreams. I need him to be able to take care of me as I take care of him...and it wasn't working that way. It hurts so much to have to let go of someone I am so comfortable with but it really seemed the best choice...I'm still struggling with it...

I am hopeful that we can maintain a great friendship and that perhaps, one day, he will be ready to grow up. I guess we shall see.

ash.

PS...my blogs...although sometimes quite personal...are to me...a narrative of life and experiences...

Unhappy.

I have been trying to be positive lately by listening to the golden oldies and forcing myself to be sociable. It's not working. I think it deals a lot with my stress level, as well as with my overall discontentment with where I am right now. I have changed my major once already and don't have enough money to keep going to school and changing my mind. I have a lot of interests but nothing I'm undoubtedly amazing at! And now...today...after I already broke down last night about my discontentment with school, with Hays, with my life in general...my roommate and best friend decides to leave...and might even move out because I have "changed" and because she doesn't like my boyfriend. Things can be rough with Casey but there are a lot of good things about him that I don't want to lose. As for change with me, its nothing to do with my roommate. Its about me...I am not happy with school, I don't have a lot of time for myself, and I don't like the society I live in. I don't like to go out and party and dance. I like to sit at home and read a good book, or if I had a pet, I like to go on walks with them. I wish I could have a pet here...I am a loner...and I have depression...I just don't have the money to truly take care of it. Maybe if I could get my life together more I would be happier and then people around me could enjoy my company again...I don't know. Another factor that has really changed my happiness level is what happened with me and Ducky. He was my best friend and an ex boyfriend of mine...then something stupid happened when we were at a party and drunk and now we hardly talk cuz of it...too much hurt and pain. After that happened, something inside of me died...I think this happens everytime a loss occurs in someone's life...its just this was one of the big ones in my life. I want to be like I used to...but I don't know how to go back.

Loss...

I am terrified of loss...but it happens. Too often. In high school I never thought about the fact that the people I knew could just die...just like that. But now, after losing my grandpa and three fellow schoolmates, I realize differently. This is kind of a tribute to those I have lost.

Josey Dean Shearer (1987-2006)....man, I always thought you were hilarious...I wish I had gotten to know you better earlier...instead of in the last two years of your life...we had great times in art class and you always loved my work...you are much of the reason I decided to go for it and major in art. The time we drove through the ditch by Rachelle's is a killer memory of you...I can't wait to make more memories when we meet up again (in that pie in the sky).

Elliott Scott Conard (1990-2008)...even though we never went out LOL...we had some good times...I miss seeing your car running around town...your crazy driving! I wish I had gone to one of your races or not gave you so much crap...even though it was all in fun...about the whole Smelliott thing. We had good times rocking out to ICP on the bus and some pretty decent laughs...thanks for giving me advice...my one regret is not being there for you when you needed me most...I wish I had shown how much I truly cared about you!

Amanda Rose Turman (1990-2008)...we used to be such awesome friends in grade school...I don't know what changed...well I guess I do...you were the social butterfly while I went the loner way...but you were amazing cuz you related to everyone at school...if only we had kept up through the years...sure we talked but that friend factor just wasn't there...

Grandpa (1905-2006)...you lived a long life...at times I was scared of your temper so we weren't close...you were old and I was young and thought I had all the time in the world to learn from you and your experiences...thankfully, I didn't stay 'young' forever...I grew up and took interest in your stories...I can't believe all the things you did, all the experiences you had...even though you couldn't hear...I'm glad you could tell a good story. I hope one day to see you again and hear all the stories I missed while I was out having 'fun'.

I know that everything happens for a reason...but I just want everyone to realize they can lose anyone at any time and that time should not be wasted!


-Ashley Marie Kingham-