My mind is going off in so many directions lately, and with all I have going on, probably not a good thing to lose focus, but alas. I am starting to get really burnt out on school, going to class, dealing with balancing work (soon to be 2 jobs) and school, ah hell just wanna get done and move on to something else. I don't care what! Quit bashing me over the head with life plans and career focus. I just want to breathe and do my own thing, and planning has never been one of my strong points. Just because I was an honor student doesn't mean I fit in with the pencil pusher crowd. As for taking some time off, I've considered it for my sanity, but I am afraid to take a year off because I will more than likely not come back.
I'm also struggling with faith and what I believe. So far I've come up with the fact that I do believe in a higher power, and such power would most align with the Christian God. However, I don't understand why we base everything off of a book full of cryptic symbols and stories, instead of something straight up and simple. Why people just base what they believe off of what someone says to them instead of searching for their own way of thought I will never understand either. I can't relate to bible-pushers who toss their beliefs at people so I've been chased from most any religious circle of friends for that reason. I also believe in the power that nature holds, however, I have no idea how to incorporate that into my other beliefs....struggling...floundering....AHHH!
I am not wanting to pursue a relationship or even date seriously because I need time to figure out what the hell I'm doing in life and who I am. I'm looking inward right now, and possibly so busy doing that, there is no way I have time or energy to dedicate to getting someone else involved. I'm open to flirtation and fun, but I cannot bear to break anymore hearts at this point, so please bear with me.
Some good things have come out of this inward look, such as getting myself into about the best shape of my life, which has helped the confidence tremendously, learning to defend myself, and getting myself back into playing music (still need LOTS of practice though).
So all in all, I'm on a rollercoaster, and if you want to be along for the ride, you are a brave soul and a very dedicated friend and I will pay you back ten-fold.
